


Loving You

by BaletGir



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Romance, Unrequited Love, relationship drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7773127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaletGir/pseuds/BaletGir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You never loved me the way I loved you, and today I stopped expecting you to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loving You

I was never “that girl” and I never expected myself to become “that girl”. You know her, the strong, independent woman who becomes a needy girl because of a guy, the girl who puts a boy before anything else.  
  
But you made me everything I never wanted to be. All I want is to hate you, that would make all of this so much easier, but all I can think of is how much I loved you. Love you.  
  
We were a bit of a cliché, we were friends first, and even though we both had crushes on each other at one point, neither of us expected anything to come of it until it did, that day in the library.  
  
***  
  
_My dad is going to kill me. That’s what I’m thinking as Scorpius Malfoy snogs me. I don’t acknowledge his soft lips or that I have begun to kiss him back until I feel his hands on my hips and realize my arms are around his neck._  
  
_Pulling away, I don’t know what to think. Scorpius is still holding me close and now he’s smiling at me. I have no idea what to do or say, never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be snogging Scorpius in a back corner of the Hogwarts library._  
  
_“We should go back to studying, NEWTs are only a week away,” I suggest hoping that getting some space would help me figure out what was happening._

_“Oh, -er, okay.” Scorpius’ hands drop to his side and he moves back to the table we had been sitting at moments before._

_“So, we were, um, we were, why did I get up?” I can't even remember what subject we were studying; all that is on my mind are his lips and how I want him to kiss me again._

_“You were looking for a book about Goblins, something about one of the many times they hated wizards.”_

***

All I want is to blame you and hate you, but even now I can’t because you were honest with me the entire time. You never once promised me the future. I fell in love with you because you were there for me in ways no else had ever been, but you were honest when it was too much and you needed space.

***

_“I love you, Rose”_

_“I love you too,” I say not feeling any weight at all in saying those words for the first time. It feels like we’ve been saying it for the past year. I snuggle closer to Scorpius, completely happy with the simplicity of the moment._

_“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you lately. It’s just, with work, and my mom, and everything I feel like I can’t be there for you like I want to be. Like I..”_

_“Shhh… It’s okay, you’re here now, let’s just enjoy this.” I want to hear the rest of his explanation, we need to talk about it, but every time we are actually together my resolve melts and the last thing I want to do is start a fight._

_“I really do love you, I want you to know that. And I want things to be easier, I want to live closer to you, but I just can’t give up my job like that.” I can feel him starting to pull away. His arms are no longer wrapped around me and he is starting to sit up in bed._

_“I know, I know,” I say understanding and not understanding all at the same time._

***

Most girls want complete honesty from their boyfriend. They want to know every want, every fear. Honestly, some days I just wanted you to lie to me. I wanted you to tell me that you wanted a future between us, but you were too honest for that. Instead I found hope in the vague statements you made.

***

_“I love you, Rose. And I wish we could spend more time together.”_

_“Me too.”_

_“I just don’t know what I want. I want you, but I’m not ready for anything more. It’s not that I want to be with other people, but I just feel so young. Too young for all of this.”_

_“I know. I’m confused too.” But I'm not confused. I want my space, I want to do things on my own, but at the end of the day I want to be with him._

 

***

When you said you loved me, I believed you, and I still believe that you loved me and that you still might. I knew that you weren’t ready for such a serious relationship. I told myself that it was okay, I wasn’t ready for much more that we already had, but I read between the lines of what you said more than I should have.

When you told me you weren’t ready for it, I told myself that you were scared of how strong our feelings were for each other. I was scared too. I never expected all of this. I never expected us to last this long, I thought we were just 7th year flings. You know, when you get nervous about graduating, so you try to ignore it and find a distraction. I thought we were just distracting each other.

Things grew so fast, I don’t think either of us had time to take it all in. We were happy and we enjoyed one another’s company, so we didn’t think long term, we just thought about now.

But then you had to move to Paris for work and I was in London and we had to make an effort to see each other. When you have to make an effort for someone you find yourself thinking about whether or not they’re worth the effort. I knew you were worth it, but you started thinking too much.

I gave you your space, played hard to get, so you’d realize you missed me, and every time it worked. But the in between happiness became shorter and shorter. You’d get frustrated with me more easily, the letters came less often, you were less likely to make time to see me. When we saw each other, things were great, but otherwise there was tension.

They say that you’ll know when someone truly loves you, that when you find ‘The One’ he’ll be unlike any guy before him. That you won’t need to play games, that things won’t be complicated.

The issue is, I know you love me as much as I love you. And I understand not being ready and not knowing anything for sure, but at the same time, I don’t understand how you can risk losing this.

We have found one another and we belong together, but the fact that things are so far from easy, that you are willing to let fate take control makes me think I’m wrong.

***

_“If it’s meant to be, we’ll find each other again soon.” He won’t look me in the eyes as he says it._

_“I know,” I say not wanting to start a fight. For the last few months, every time we see one another I am afraid it will be the last time. I know he is on the verge of leaving me, so I do all I can to not give him a reason. I haven't been upfront or honest with him in months. I held my tongue whenever we were together._

***

Only a fool let’s fate take control. We make our future and by letting fate be in charge of whether or not we'll ever see one another again, then you accept the possibility that we might not ever be together again. I'm not okay with that possibility, but you are.

Maybe guys think differently than girls, but I know that when I found you, I was prepared to let my ideal future shift to include you. Meeting you changed everything for me; you spent the whole time trying to find a way for me to fit into your plan while I let you become my plan.

Maybe we both went about this wrong. I was too willing to change my plans for you. I took so much time off work to visit you when you never did the same for me. I put you first, when you rarely put me first.

You think I’m going to wait. You think that in a year you can show up on my doorstep and that I’ll run into your arms and it’ll be as if we were never apart. And while I would wait for you, I won’t wait for you if you don’t ask me to. I can’t wait for someone who isn’t sure if they want me to wait for them, because then I’ll never move on.

I’ve already given up so much of myself for you; I can’t keep waiting for you when you’re so willing to walk away.

I’ve always said I hate how people compare us to Romeo and Juliet, because I’d never be so stupid as to die for love, but in a way I already have. I want you so much that I have convinced myself I need you, but I don’t need you, and I won’t die for you.


End file.
